The Douchebag XI

Football douchery has been in the news again this week with John Terry being in court for just in general being a doos, while Robin van Persie took the love Arsenal fans had for him, had a massive dump on it and sought to move on with his career elsewhere. As a result of this and a question I asked on twitter the other day, I thought we could surely put together a Douchebag XI of footballer players and with the smoothness of Ryan Giggs talking to his sister-in-law, I cam up with this list:

Just two more minutes

GK – Itumeleng Khune

Itumeleng is a fantastic goal keeper with a brilliant ability to make saves and with a distribution that DHL would be proud of. Khune though, will long be remembered for his epic fail in time-wasting near on 5 minutes in the Bafana Bafana qualifier against Sierra Leone. Little did the Amakhosi stopper know, Bafana needed a win, not a draw. Unfortunately this is not a once-off occurrence,  Khune is often seen to feign injury only to spring back to his feet quicker than the Portugal side at Euro 2012.

RB – Pepe

Although when representing Portugal he seems to be a different kind of player, that is however not why he makes this list. His inclusion on this list is down to the thuggery that he brings to the game, especially when playing Barcelona. Pictures seem to speak louder than words, so here you go.


CB – John Terry (Captain)

Regular readers of All Things Jabu will know that John Terry is an expression I often use to describe someone who is the biggest type of doos. For John Terry it really is a host of things. He is John Terry, he slept with a team-mates wife, he was the captain of England, he racially abused another player and my personal favourite, he dressed in shin pads and full kit for the Champions League final, even though he did not play. John Terry is most definitely the undoubted captain of this team. 

LB – Ashley Cole


This makes me the special one!


Okay, I’m an Arsenal supporter and although we have extra reason to hate the English left back, that is not why he is on this list. The fact that he married the superfine Cheryl Tweedy, then cheated on her, is definitely one of the reasons. How about the fact that he was caught in bed with another man earlier in his career and of course he shot a youngster with an air rifle on the training pitch at Chelsea. He may be decorated with many medals already, but we shall give him one more, Douche!

RM – Samir Nasri

More like Na$$$$$$$$$$ri

So whats the best way to respond to those that pay your salary and make you a worldwide name? Rip them to pieces on social networks and in every interview? Well in that case, Samir Na$ri is quite comfortably repaying Arsenal back. He has had to apologise for his behaviour more often than Paris Hilton has released sex tapes. His outburst at attacking a media member after France’s elimination from Euro 2012 was the crowning factor on his douchebagedness.

DM – Sergio Busquets


Barcelona play a brand of football that at times is sensational, they have a team filled with players that are enjoyable to watch (not for me, I hate Barcelona), but there is one player that is so poorly below his team mates in terms of talent that it is ridiculous. Sergio Biscuits is also to football, what Floyd Landis is to cycling, an embarrassment. The player who has been known to peek if anyone is looking first, then will proceed to roll around as if he has been hit by a sniper, a bear has tackled him and there has been an earthquake all at the same time.

CM – Jabu Pule/Mahlangu/Smith

Please dont make me play for Cosmos!

Jabu Mahlangu is like P.diddy in South African football. The artist formerly known as Jabu Pule started his career brightly representing South Africa in the Olympics in 2000 and at the FIFA World Cup 2002. His time at Kaizer Chiefs was eventually ended by his partying and he left for Mattesburg. He was unsuccessful there and at many other clubs as he strode towards failing in his career thanks to the drinking, drugs and the partying. He really is a story that so many young South Africans should look towards as an inspiration as to where to not take their careers. A definite waste of talent and a first class douche! 

CM – Joey Barton

There are many times in this mans career that would lead to inclusion in this team. In fact he pushes John Terry very close for the captaincy of the Douchebag XI. Barton has a temper that is so short and a brain that is so small that you at times think that Julius Malema draws inspiration from the QPR captain. He has twice been convicted of assault and his display on the final day of the English Premier League 2012 was one that will long live in the memory of many as one of the greatest moments of thuggery and douchery in football history.

LM – Cristiano Ronaldo

Hey you! Watch me! Now!

He may well be the most talented footballer in the World, or second most talented rather. He may be a goal scoring machine and a proven match winner. But the Portugal captain is also A grade Douche. From the way he does his hair to his stance when taking a free kick, to the surrogate mother to his child, to the desperate need he has to be the star. A captain should take the first penalty of a shootout, a douche waits till the last penalty so that he can have the glory. From my chats to other football fans, Ronaldo is comfortably one of the most disliked in the beautiful game.

ST – Mario Ballotelli

This is how big “The Spear” should have been

My fiance was watching the Chelsea game against Manchester United in December and Mario Ballotelli scored a goal in the opening two minutes of the game, her reply was simple, “Wow, that guy is an arrogant guy, I hope he loses!”. His celebration was one we all have seen time and time again, I’ll stand here and look pretty and I wont smile. My fiance’s sentiments are oft-repeated by many others. Ballotelli is entertaining to watch because you never know what you are going to get, but his pure disrespectful approach to the game.

ST – Carlos Tevez

I’m a Douche

Carlos Tevez has singlehandedly going about trying to take over this list for himself. First he made the move from Manchester United to Manchester City in a move inspired by money. He then got to Man City and decided during the Champions League match against Bayern Munich and refused to come onto the field for his team. A disgrace at best. But to top it all off, he was seen during the trophy celebration holding a sign that read R.I.P. Fergie. You definitely can’t buy class!

Manager – Jose Mourinho

I’m the special one!

The self-appointed special one is a phenomenal coach. That being said, the fanfare, media circus and general behaviour that surrounds Jose Mourinho quickly lead him to being included in the douchebag category. You can’t call yourself special without being an emo or a douche, and Mourinho is definitely not an emo!

Reserves: Luis Suarez, Pedro, El Hadji-Djiouf, Robbie Savage, Patrice Evra, Mbulelo Mabizela and Karl Henry

Did I leave anyone off? Let me know below!

One thought on “The Douchebag XI

  1. zubair says:

    One if the biggest douches no doubt is Thierry Henry. You talk about a man of arrogance and cheating. I will never forget how he was diving all over the show against Brazil in 2006 and even dived to win the free kick that lead to the goal. If that wasn’t bad enough in qualifying for 2010 he famously used his hand to assist a goal and robbed Ireland of a world cup place. We know what happened to them at the world cup…
    World class player but DOUCHE!

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